1: SHIT TALKING:
We need more of it!
In a sport where a couple thousand real twitter followers for a pro is considered respectable (convicted NFL manslaughterer Donte Stallworth has 150k, while dog murderer and poor tipper Mike Vick has 2 million), people get a little too upset over any sort of volatility. Our sport can be hard to watch televised let alone at a live event,standing in one place as a spectator seeing a total of 30 seconds of racing. With athletes striving for sponsorships it does not pay to stand out in any appreciable way other than through results. No company with a limited sponsorship budget wants to gamble their money on someone that might make swears in an interview or talk shit to other athletes. Surely that athlete would have no fans.
They never sold another Sherman jersey again
Andrew Starykowicz rides a bike like it murdered his family, he has almost no filter in front of a microphone, and he has a lot of fans because of it. Crowie was a perfect ambassador for the sport and is probably the only man I’d ever sleep with, but his diplomacy was not bringing in any casual observers. I’d like to see these new guys on the way up talk some smack leading up to the race. UFC fighters stage animosity to sell fights, and no doubt Macca’s garbage mouth made Kona a little more interesting. Who wants to see Starykowicz completely unfiltered? I do.
2. PRIZE MONEY
Not enough of it!
It pains me to see pros, these genetic freaks and pillars of human achievement, sleeping on ferret hair covered futons because they came in 5th place in an Ironman. Homestays are for foreign exchange students from –stan countries, not professional athletes! The problem obviously starts with Ironman™ as they are the only recognizable brand to an outsider, even if they don’t actually understand what it is. When you tell people you are doing Rev 3 Cedar Point they might just smile and assume it’s some sort of fun 5k where you get colors thrown at your face inside an amusement park.
Kona is one of the hardest, most competitive one day events in sports, and the winner takes home 10% of what the world texting champ won last year. Why do I even know about the World Texting Championships? Because a 12 year old girl won a million dollars and it makes the front page of Yahoo.
5th place winnings at Lanzarote
Ironman charges the rest of us $700 to do their races but winning Lake Placid only nets Andy Potts $5,000. That might have covered his family’s flights and stay in one of the many underwhelming, price gouged motels (5 night stay minimum). Surely they can do more to make winning an Ironman something other than a losing proposition.
Too much of it!
Through twitter I have found that there are a lot of fellow triathletes that have a good sense of humor and do the sport because they love it, they know that being a faster athlete does not a better person one make. Don’t take yourself too seriously, there is always someone faster and skinnier than you. The point of this sport should be that it is fun, not to embiggen your twitter follower totals with promises of follow backs and postings of boastful workouts. If you are finding yourself getting upset over some TRS jokes, you probably take yourself too seriously.
Yeah you, you’re the best
I am just like the rest of you, standing in front of the mirror on Friday night in my new sleeved tri suit with a semi, going over all my recent workouts in my head and rubbing my tiny biceps, but you will not ever catch me posting my workouts on twitter (Facebook….maybe).
This is a guest column by internet user, Dark Mark. Earlier this week, I signed Dark Mark to a lucrative multi-year contract and he officially became the 2nd member of Team TRS. Follow him @_dark_mark