Taste Rich Role’s Ultra Spicy, Sweet, and Salty Nuts

Photo courtesy of @richrole1.

Ultra Spicy, Sweet, and Salty Nuts – They are not just an unfortunate consequence for half of the population after a very long bike ride, they are a savory and filling snack to be enjoyed by all. If you are allergic to nuts – I’m really sorry dude – but check out my nut-free version of this recipe on TRSaquathon.com (the site’s motto is “hey, 2/3 isn’t 3/3, better it sure is better than 1/3”).


1 cup raw walnuts
1 cup raw pecans
½ cup raw almonds
1 Tbs. finely chopped fresh rosemary
1 tsp. cayenne pepper
1/2 tsp. Himalayan or Real Salt
1 Tbs. unrefined brown sugar
1 Tbs. virgin (aka @_Dark_Mark) coconut oil or “butter”


Toast the nuts at 350° for 10 minutes. While the nuts are toasting, mix all the other ingredients in a glass or ceramic bowl that is approximately twice the size of the volume of the nuts. When the nuts are nice and toasty, toss them in the bowl with the other ingredients and stir them between 85 and 95 RPM. A high cadence is important and will preserve your arm glycogen stores for the eating leg of the recipe.

When the hot nuts hit the “butter” and sugar they will caramelize and fill in all the nooks and crannies of the walnuts and pecans. A pleasant scent of rosemary will fill your kitchen and temporarily cover up the smell of your damp gym bag.

This is the point in the article that I tell you that raw nuts are healthy for you and full of good fats and vitamins. Blah, blah, and blah. Rather than going down the rabbit hole of ratios, percentages, and RDAs, most folks understand that whole raw, or lightly toasted, nuts are better for you than store-bought nuts that are fried in an exotic oil.

Make sure the brown sugar is organic, unrefined, and fair trade. Sugar cane grown in a healthy soil, free of pesticides, and not processed after juicing will contain a little bit more of the essential minerals that sweaty triathletes care about (potassium, magnesium, and calcium). Muscovado is one type of unrefined brown sugar. You can usually find it at a local health food establishment that is run by a group of groovy hippies, or as I like to call it, the store.

It is also important to buy fair trade because everyone knows that a farmer who toils away in the sun, engaging in hard labor day after day, and whose dedicated efforts represent the pinnacle of their profession that ultimately supports a major international corporation deserves to earn a fair wage for their work. (Note to self: start fair trade triathlete certification labeling). You could use maple syrup instead of unrefined sugar, but many of you have probably figured this out already, you know who I’m talking about.

If you are interested in purchasing my new cookbook, there isn’t one (unless TRS expands his empire into publishing). However, you may want to check out this completely unfunny cookbook by some guy named Rich Roll.

If you enjoyed this satirical piece, check out @richrole1’s dariy free pesto recipe

Follow the hilarious “Rich Role” on twitter. 

About the Author

I am not @richroll, but rather a slightly reckless & goofier parody version of the paradigm-busting, plant-eating, health-advocating endurance athlete. Follow me on twitter

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