Slowly recovering from collegiate nationals, the young folk of triathlon are hitting the summer race season in full force. Freshly shaven and rocking killer bod’s from nationals training, the highly attractive race of college triathletes don’t have time to step into the world of dating without seriously hurting our race times. Much like our daily lives, Tinder is fast and full of beautiful people.
@College_Tri’s Guide to Tinder for Old People
Due to recent events, there has been a large influx in highly aged people following me. A certain “Guide to Twitter” made a reference to an app called Tinder. Now, these new followers obviously do not understand how old they are, but let’s face it, you’re probably old. Yes, you. You can’t deny it. There are people in high school born after the year 2000. As you get older, thoughts begin to creep into that big old noggin you got there (which is probably bald) about finding that one true love, well this article is not for you. Tinder is an online “Hook-up” app that syncs with your Facebook. You choose what others see, so if your hair is particularly grey in a picture, you can choose another. The app finds potential matches in your area based on your restrictions for age and search radius.
But I’m too old for Tinder. Yes you are. There is an age bar that allows you to set a lower and upper limit of the people you see. You can be as creepy as you want.
How do I get started? Download the app. If you can’t figure that out, you are too old. I’ll call the nursing home and tell them that you are on your way back.
Choosing Pictures. Since they come from your Facebook, all of them are either your children or watermarked race pics. That one picture of you on vacation in a swim suit, put that up as your main picture. Slowly and carefully crop out any children and BAM you have a solid pic that any lady/guy would say yes to.
Bio/The writing part. TL;DR.
Swiping. Now that you have made an account you will begin swiping. To the right=yes, I like them, to the left=nope, wouldn’t touch it. You can tap their picture for more pics and their bio but who really cares what they have to say about themselves.
Matching. When you swipe someone right and they swipe you right, this is called a match. You will never get one of these because you are probably old and probably ugly. In the unlikely event that you do get a match, you are given the power to message said match.
Messaging. In the event that hell freezes over and you do get a match I suggest leading with a good pick up line. I recommend some of my #TriathletePickUpLines.
1. If a girl only has headshots, it is assumed she is overweight and out of shape, swipe left.
2. If their cover picture has more than four people in it, they are trying to hide themselves, swipe left.
3. If there are children in their cover picture, swipe left.
4. If they suffer from male pattern baldness, swipe left.
5. If you know them from somewhere besides Tinder, swipe left…unless they are #HAWT then swipe right.
6. If they are younger than your children, swipe left.
7. If they are older than your parents, swipe left.
8. If they include their snapchat name, the obligatory genitalia picture must be sent and then swipe right
9. If you don’t know what snapchat is you need Life Alert! Help! You’ve fallen and I can’t pick you up because you are old and fat.
10. If you don’t get any matches I suggest swiping everyone to the right…….Someone is bound to accidently or drunkenly swipe you right.
Tinder is an excellent app for race weekends in new cities. When in a city for a race be sure to change your main photo to a race pic. (Not watermarked) This will expedite the process for any other racers looking in the area. Scoring happens all the time in other sports, so why can’t triathletes get a little bit of that action? Good Luck and Happy Tindering!
If you want to find out what the kids are up to these days, @college_tri is a good one to follow. I had previously made reference to the fact that I had no idea what Tinder is. He felt that ‘old, bald, fat and ugly’ people such as myself should be educated. Please either enjoy or hate this guest post.