Your Triathlon Horoscope

Aries 20 March – 20 April

Good news, you’re in the clear.

The sun’s rising beam favours the brave, so take the plunge and enter a race that’ll really challenge you. Find a motivational mantra to repeat whilst staring at yourself in the full-length mirror each morning. The Earth’s Power of the Ox suggests chanting something along the lines of “I am a strong and confident woman”. This will raise self-esteem and give you the strength of twelve bison.

Taurus 21 April – 20 May

Take a shot now, it may be your last chance. Only because you will receive some life-changing news (it’s either financial or involves a form of impregnation). So what have you always wanted to achieve but have constantly put off? Seize the moment: life’s tribulations will soon challenge that glittering sporting career of yours. Jupiter is rooting for you.

Gemini 21 May – 20 June

Congratulations-it’s your Birthday! Watch out for a mysterious headache the day after, which will fade gradually, as the sparring star-gods make their peace. You can be reassured that feeling jaded is not the result of your extreme alcohol binge, it’s those stupid star-gods, I swear it. Tell that to your loved ones.

The month ahead is an excellent time for a fresh start, and you can be full of confidence, knowing your biggest race rival is going down this season! So sit back, relax and worry not about the training; your natural talent outweighs anyone’s hard work.

Cancer 21 June -21 July

Cancerians are well-known for loving their Lycra, and you’ll get an opportunity this month to wear your race kit in an out-of-context social gathering. Make sure you take this. Fitness-wise, you have to overcome a blip involving either an open man-hole or a badly judged transition demonstration at your upcoming works function. This will limit training opportunities. Meantime, cross-training is very beneficial to triathlon performance, so it’s well worth investing in a spot of carnal gymnastics to reap rewards come summer: just take that lycra off first.

Leo 22 July – 21 Aug

Leo’s are fighting warriors; Kings and Queens of the Triathlon Jungle. Let them know who’s boss. Work that strut, strike the pose; they all want to be like you.

If the going gets tough, you have the power to ease the pain. Search deep within your soul, then your pockets, and you will be rewarded. Yes, a lucky financial break means it’s time to splash out on a new triathlon toy! Flash that cash and reward yourself: you deserve it after all (and something needs to make you go faster).

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Virgo 22 Aug -21 Sept

Struggling to define yourself as a triathlete? Talking the talk means everything. Triathlon results don’t have to be very good, you just need some, so you can impress your non-athletic friends at the forthcoming cheese and wine supper parties. 3rd in the 20 Dunkery Road Family Triathlon Championships, beaten only by your aged Gran and pipped by your 2 year old niece? You podiummed. That’s all anyone needs to know.

Libra 20 Sept – 21 Oct

It’s time to perfect your Ironman-shuffle! It’s gonna be a long and lonely journey, but the rewards will more than make up for the sacrifices. Anyway, you’re the most fascinating person you know, so what’s wrong with spending all your time on your own? Self-love will get you through the darkest days. The journey is almost complete; it’s been a treacherous path but you’re in the final stages, so keep your eye on the prize and it will be yours.

Scorpio 22 Oct – 21 Nov

Well thank God that’s over. This month will see you moving on to pastures new, so be prepared to hide your true self behind a façade of congeniality. It will make things easier short term. Sport-wise, now’s the time to step on the gas, unnerve your rivals and hone that temple. Shaving a few seconds/minutes off your times in training (and every inch of body hair, for that matter) will earn you the utmost respect from your compatriots.

Sagittarius 21 Nov – 21 Dec

There are no moons, planets, asteroids, star-gods or universes in your atmosphere right now, so it’s all a bit dull really. Nothing much will happen this month, sorry. Just keep plodding onwards and maybe next month will be different.

Capricorn 21 Dec – 20 Jan

It’s no good blowing hot and cold… consistency’s the new black. Everyone knows how good you are if you try, but you need to keep focussed and stay out the pizza shop (unless you work in one). As I peer into my telescope, clusters of stars are forming in your constellation, which means you will gain lots of friends this month. This is because you are nice. Nice guys finish last, however.

Aquarius 21 Jan – 19 Feb

In terms of race strategy, it’s time to concentrate on that weak link. Don’t keep avoiding it. You cannot become a ‘premier’ triathlete without the full sack of skills, and we all know, that come race day, there is no hiding. You’ve got the stones, now polish them. It’s time.

Pisces 19 Feb – 20 March

Do you find yourself saying “yes” every time that someone asks you for a favour? Well don’t. Screw them. This month’s celestial energy is asking you to think about yourself, so pull a sickie, tell your friends you need some ‘me’ time, and go do that 100 mile ride you’ve been pining for all winter. Some time away from the daily grind will create the opportunity to meet a suitable life partner. After all, as a wise man once said “bicycles are almost as good as guitars for meeting girls”. Almost.

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About the Author

Alice is an elite long distance triathlete, and has relaunched her pro career in 2014. In 2014 she won Half Ironman Distance races in both Israman and Lisboa, won the Bastion Ironman and finished third place at Luxembourg 70.3. Over the past 2 years she has also been both Scottish Triathlon and Duathlon Champion. Alice was World Amateur Sprint Champion in 2013.