These questions were asked by Jene Shaw of Triathlete Magazine over a year ago. It was never actually published.
Who are your biggest idols? Why?
That’s easy: Michael Jordan. He lived in Chicago and not some terrible 3rd world town like Boulder, San Diego or Austin. Like me, he was the best player in his sport and he didn’t pretend to be humble. I despise false humility. Hate on me all you want, but at least I’m honest. I want to kick your ass and win every race, and, like Michael Jordan, I use all the criticism as fuel for my fire. Thanks for the extra watts, haters.
What are your goals for 2014?
My goal for 2014 is to launch the most successful podcast in the history of triathlon. The podcasts out there are right now are just terrible. Believe me, I’ve sampled most of them. I heard one podcast where some hippie talked about how green smoothies were giving him cavities as he drove himself to work and chewed a banana with his mouth open. Another podcaster read a list of questions to a very well-known pro without demonstrating for even a single second that he heard the athlete’s response. No follow-up questions! We’re going to turn shit on its head. We’re going to have fun conversations that dive into the personalities of pro athletes, and the listener might hear some actual rapport between the host and guest.
Please describe your hardest workout.
I rode my cross bike through a blizzard once. It wasn’t that bad until I was hit by a snowplow and drug for a half mile. My injuries were treated at home with duct tape and dirt.
Who do you see as your biggest athletic threats?
My biggest athletic threat is drafting. Have you seen the packs that form behind me? If I had to name one individual athlete that is particularly formidable, I would name Sebastian Kienle. He’s a solid runner, fast enough to push me on the bike, and he doesn’t smell that bad for a German.
Five reasons you’d automatically unfollow someone…
- Broadcast the details of your workout.
- Get phished.
- Use the hash-tag #blessed.
- Begin a tweet with the salutation, “Dear _______,”
- Announce that I have followed you and that your life is now complete.
What do you typically eat for breakfast? Pre-race meal?
Well it certainly starts with #WhiteMilk, and not just because they pay me millions of dollars to endorse their product. It’s simply the greatest product in the history of mankind… unless you add chocolate. Chocolate milk gives people diarrhea and herpes, allegedly. I’m not a scientist, so I don’t really know. I also like bacon and eggs.
What 3 accomplishments are you most proud of?
- Liberating triathlon from an oppressive d-bag occupation.
- Breaking nearly every bike course record in triathlon.
- Eviscerating Brett Sutton (@trisutto) in our twitter war.
Who is your biggest tri crush?
Famous pro athletes with great bodies, big endorsement deals, and luxurious vacation homes don’t get crushes. We crush and get crushed. That said, there is one special lady that I love: Jodie Swallow. She tweets hot selfies with naughty facial expressions, and she speaks her mind. Plus, she knows that Africa is a country and not just a continent.
What is your favorite piece of gear/gadget?
My favorite piece of gear is aluminum foil. During my sub-zero training rides in Chicago, I wrap it around my cycling shoes and then place the neoprene booties over the aluminum covered shoes. Have fun on your trainer nerds. I’ll be outside enjoying Chicago’s winter wonderland.
Blog or website you visit daily (other than Triathlete.com of course)
The worst thing about the internet is that people with no talent and no accomplishments now have a voice. Decades ago, these people were only heardfrom at family gatherings, but now these morons bore us to death in internet forums and blogs. The blogs out there are almost as terrible as the podcasts. For some reason, every triathlete thinks that their individual journey is unique and interesting. It’s not. Exercise is boring and no one wants to read about your training and lackluster racing.
What’s your best piece of advice for age groupers?
When you emerge from the porto-john on race morning and see me walking by, don’t try to shake my hand or ask for an autograph. Your bacteria and virus soaked hands disgust me. Also, be extra careful when riding through the bike course aid stations. You don’t want to end up in a crowded Arab prison for 6 months.
Who the hell are you?
I’m the best thing to happen to triathlon since aerobars and/or drugs.
