I’ve been anonymously writing triathlon oriented jokes since November, and I’d like to clarify a few things. My early work was all related to goofing on pro triathlete Andrew Starykowicz, and it was a gimmick that got me some instant popularity. Andrew embraced it, we had some laughs at his expense, for many he became more likable and then I moved on to other topics. The actual Starky’s antics are funny, but there are plenty of other people and topics to make fun of. Face it, our sport is just begging for ridicule.
My shift in topics felt like a betrayal to some, particularly if I happened to make fun of something they did. My rants about age-group sponsorship and individuals working hard to acquire twitter followers angered some people. This led to a beef with a particular member of the Wattie Ink Elite team who referenced that making fun of Dave Scott was the beginning of my decline. For weeks he quipped that I’m not funny anymore. After I ridiculed him on my blog, he threatened to make my identity known to all. Time to rock.
Reminiscent of junior high, I received a message from my opponent through an intermediary advising me that my “one chance for a non-scorched earth outcome and retention of (my) anonymity” was to remove my multiple blog posts and replace them with one “simply stating (that) what has been said was a mistake, TRS has strayed from the original goals, etc.” For the record, no one has any idea what my goals were or are. I’ll cover that later.
His request was not granted. First rule of negotiation: he who cares less wins. He and his Wattie clique had overestimated how damaged I’d feel if my identity were revealed, and they had underestimated how excited I was to release the +40 jokes I had written about tattoos, flat brim hats and ridiculous triathlon costumes. In a passive aggressive blog post, he told the twitter-verse that he knew who I was, but would NOT reveal my identity. Victory was claimed in the midst of retreat as he left a trail of bread crumbs leading all interested parties to my identity. While claiming the moral high-ground, he underhandedly revealed me anyway.
DAVE SCOTT
One of my favorite lines of all time was delivered by the late Greg Giraldo who said of Colin Quinn, “Colin I love you, but you’re so washed up parents now tell their kids to Colin Quinn before supper.” I love that joke. I’ve used it multiple times, and only once in many attempts did it actually get a laugh. That magical moment occurred late at night, after many beers at Wrigley Field and the target of the joke was a work buddy and former professional basketball player. That’s the only time the joke has ever amused anyone other than me, but it killed that night.
It’s not surprising that when I sent the following tweet on Dave Scott’s birthday, no one liked it. In fact, I received some angry private messages.
.@DaveScott6x is so washed up, parents throughout Boulder now tell their kids to go “Dave Scott” before supper. @Bob_Babbitt
— The Real Starky (@TheRealStarky) January 4, 2014
Criticism and failure be damned. I’m a big fan of humor through repetition and I love a good troll, so I was eagerly anticipating another opportunity to drive people crazy. That moment presented itself on February 25 after Dave Scott suggested in a video that it would be good for the sport if Lance raced Kona. I had watched the video, but this comment never even registered with me. You may be morally opposed to Lance’s return, but from an economic perspective I think his return would be great for everyone. WTC would make a boatload of money on a Kona pay-per-view, and then our dreams could be realized when they sell to another entity. No more blenders. No more Andrew Mistake. We would get better media coverage, more sponsor dollars and everyone would make more money. That’s just one asshole’s opinion, and it’s a hypothetical that is barely worth spending any emotional or mental energy on. However, the internet went crazy over Dave’s comments and suddenly he was in a PR shit storm. That night, in a fit of giggles, I wrote 10 jokes. My self-gratification was off the charts as I thought about how individually they were funny, but collectively they were over the top and people would surely hate me. My buffer app was set to release one joke per hour for 10 straight hours. Here they are:
Dave Scott thinks they should let OJ Simpson race Kona. — The Real Starky (@TheRealStarky) February 26, 2014
Dave Scott thinks Osama Bin Laden would be great for triathlon if he were still alive.
— The Real Starky (@TheRealStarky) February 26, 2014
Dave Scott thinks Oscar Pistorius should be allowed to race Kona as long as we remove the bathroom door from his hotel room. — The Real Starky (@TheRealStarky) February 26, 2014
Dave Scott thinks a lot of top athletes would drink chocolate milk, even if they weren’t being paid. @GotChocoMilk
— The Real Starky (@TheRealStarky) February 26, 2014
Dave Scott thinks that coaching your son’s girlfriend is a good idea. — The Real Starky (@TheRealStarky) February 26, 2014
Dave Scott thinks it would be good for the sport if Aaron Hernandez, Edward Snowden, George Zimmerman & Dennis Rodman did Celebrity #IronWar
— The Real Starky (@TheRealStarky) February 26, 2014
Dave Scott thinks that Ben Greenfield would make a great Surgeon General. — The Real Starky (@TheRealStarky) February 26, 2014
Dave Scott thinks your age-group triathlon costume featuring 50 “sponsor” logos looks nice.
— The Real Starky (@TheRealStarky) February 26, 2014
Dave Scott thinks that Chris McCormack manages a legitimate no-hand-job resort in Thailand and that he has 161,000 human twitter followers. — The Real Starky (@TheRealStarky) February 26, 2014
Dave Scott thinks it’s fine to leave your daughter alone with Brett Sutton. #NowImDone #WhiteMilk #Starkamania
— The Real Starky (@TheRealStarky) February 26, 2014
Now, some of these jokes paint Dave Scott to be a bumbling idiot, which he is not. Some are just using the theme to recycle other jokes that were popular in the past. However, the overall intent was to poke fun at the overreaction to Dave’s ‘let Lance race Kona’ remarks by comparing that premise to letting OJ Simpson, Osama Bin Laden and Oscar Pistorious compete. In the end, I’m poking fun at internet forum dweebs freaking out and pontificating sanctimoniously about Dave’s innocuous remarks. It wasn’t about Dave. Now, this brand of humor may not be for you, but I liked it. It’s possible that you prefer dick jokes. Actually, they always get better response from people. The dumber I think it is, the better the reaction on twitter.
Good luck to all of you over-trained, low-T triathletes in a relationship with someone who actually wants sex tonight.
— The Real Starky (@TheRealStarky) February 14, 2014
THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT TRS
So what is my objective here? The Real Starky is my platform to make jokes and be creative. I started the account on a whim because I thought I had something funny to say and none of my friends give a shit about triathlon. In hindsight I should have picked a sport that people actually care about. The fake Johnny Manziel account has 2 million followers and it’s atrocious.
Despite what others felt or perceived, let me be clear: there was no mission or purpose other than my personal amusement. TRS is my platform for making fun of absurd behavior whether that be corporate, age group or professional. If you’re easily offended or if you think you might get hurt feelings when I make fun of something YOU’RE guilty of, then please unfollow and block me. We’re not a good fit. If you dislike troll humor, we are not a good fit.
I never thought that 3500 people would be following me after just a few months. It’s been fun and I love the opportunity to be creative. I always thought that if I were “outed”, I’d lose the courage to tell the truth, and I guess I might. Apparently, if you want to know my real identity, my address is discover-able in 30 minutes with an iPhone. Jokes are already being made about the irony of my street address. That’s a little scary.
AN APOLOGY
With that in mind, I’d like to apologize to anyone I’ve hurt. Like a lot of hack comedians I can be angry and morose, and because I’m also a type-A prick, I don’t back down when confronted. This gets me in trouble sometimes. My intent was to be funny and make people laugh. If I crossed the line, I’m sincerely sorry. I regret mocking my opponent’s treadmill photo, and I will try my best to refrain from personal attacks in the future. Let’s face it, without the shield of anonymity, the tone of TRS will surely change.
Continued below…
BUT LET ME SAY SOMETHING TO THIS PARTICULAR CLIQUE OF WATTIE INK AGE GROUP “ELITES”. I’M TALKING TO YOU RIGHT NOW, SO SHUT UP AND SHOW ME THE RESPECT I DESERVE. I WILL VERBALLY DESTROY ALL OF YOU. YOU SHOULDN’T BE IN TRIATHLON. YOU LOOK LIKE YOU SHOULD BE PART OF THE LIGHTING AND JANITORIAL CREW AT A VAN NUYS PORN SHOOT. GO BACK TO THE SKATE PARK, DOUCHEBAGS. MOST OF YOU ROCK COTTON DOCKERS, SHORT SLEEVED BUTTON DOWNS, AND TIES DURING THE WEEK, BUT THEN ON RACE DAY YOU SHOW UP LOOKING LIKE EX-CONS. IT’S ALL JUST MAKE BELIEVE. THE SPONSORSHIP, THE ELITE STATUS, THE TWITTER FOLLOWERS, IT’S ALL BULLSHIT. FUCK YOU WATTIE INK. YOU’RE DIRTIER THAN MY SEARCH HISTORY. YOU CAN’T STOP ME, IM TOO SMART. YOUR WHOLE TEAM COMBINED ISN’T AS FUNNY AS MY LEFT UNPIERCED NIPPLE. THIS IS NOT A FAIR BATTLE OF WORDS. MY WIT VERSUS A HANDFUL OF MIDDLE-AGED TOMMY LEE WANNABEES COVERED IN SPONSOR LOGOS? HA!!! LAUGHABLE MAN!! FLAT BRIM HATS ARE FUCKING STUPID AND SO IS THAT OBNIXIOUS W. SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!
#whitemilk #starkamania #blessed
#FWI
